Shattered
by Vermilion84
Summary: Harry can’t handle Sirius death. He’s withdrawing from everyone and starts cutting. Who will be able to help him?
1. Chapter 1

Title: Shattered

**Title:** Shattered  
**Paring:** Severus Snape/Harry Potter  
**Rating:** NC-17  
**Warnings:** Slash, Self Mutilation  
**Summary: **Harry can't handle Sirius' death. He's withdrawing from everyone and starts cutting. Who will be able to help him?

Harry's POV

I'm standing in the middle of the room, looking into the mirror, looking at myself. The dark tousled hair, so much like my father's and my mother's green eyes, hidden by those foolish glasses. My clothes, way to big, hiding my disgusting body.

I take a look at the clock. It's 19:50. In ten minutes I'm supposed to be in the dungeons for Occlumency lessons. Dumbeldore insisted, that Snape continued teaching me. Once again I'm glad that I have my own room, or Ron and Hermione would have dragged me down to the greasy old git. Dumbledore suggested, that I should have my own, after Siri- no, don't think about him, Harry, don't think- after his death. He said it might help me to get some peace and to get myself back together. I'm the boy who lived. I'm not supposed to break down because of Siri-…because of his death. I'm supposed to be strong and collected.

I let my gaze wander back to the mirror and pull the sleeve of my shirt up. A smile – a very rare thing lately, really- tucks at my lips when I see the red lines. That's the only release I allow myself to have. It's my fault he's dead. If I wouldn't have fucked up Occlumency then he would still be here today, I'd still have a family. It's my fault, I'm not allowed to cry, to get angry and scream, I'm not allowed to feel anything put pain or numbness.

I started cutting about a month ago. It was one of these days when I could barely get out of bed in the morning and Hermione and Ron came to visit me, trying to get me to talk, telling me over and over, that it wasn't my fault, that no one was blaming me. They knew that I didn't want to talk about him, and yet they kept probing and they wouldn't stop until I kicked them out of my room. I didn't know what to do at that moment. I felt all that anger, rage and sadness that I kept bottled up inside, bubbling up, trying to get to the surface and break free. I started to panic. I wasn't allowed to let it go, I suddenly felt way to much. My frantic gaze fell to the knife lying on my desk. And suddenly I knew what I had to do.

I took it, rolled up my sleeve and carefully dragged the knife over my arm. I barely broke the skin but I felt a warmth from the little cut spreading through my entire body, numbing a bit of my feelings. I made another one. And another one. The fourth one was deep enough to let a few drops of blood run down my arm. I watched completely fascinated, how they run down my arm, other my palms and over my ring finger. Numbing my emotions, numbing my entire being. It was a rush that soon left me feel completely empty.

I instantly became addicted. Nothing mattered anymore. A fucked up potion, Snape yelling at me, giving me detention, Hermione and Ron talking about HIM, Dumledore's disappointed eyes when I even refused talking to him about my godfather's death. There was nothing, NOTHING, that the blade couldn't fix. Of course, it's not that easy to explain why you're walking around with long sleeves in summer, but I've become a loner lately anyways, so people stopped paying attention to me. It seems that even Hermione and Ron are getting annoyed with me. We're not close anymore.

I focus on the mirror once again. The ugly boy standing there. Gods how I hate him. He's so weak. He let SIRIUS die. Pathetic piece of scum. Scum. That's what he is. The anger is back. And the rage. I hate him. I hate him. I HATE him. I think of Sirius. Sirius taking my face in his hands. Sirius hugging me. Sirius telling me, we'll be a family. And suddenly it's all too much. "I HATE YOU" I scream before I start hitting the mirror.

I hit with my palms and my fists, screaming over and over, feeling tears start to fall, and then everything inside me shatters together with the mirror. I feel the glass dig in my hands, but it doesn't hurt. My hands just feel very warm, the warmth spreading through my entire body, once again numbing everything, making me forget and then there's peace. A steady flow of blood drips on the carpet and with a blissful smile on my face I lower myself to the floor, feeling a bit sleepy suddenly. I feel my hands throb and know that everything is all right for now.

That is until I feel someone probe the wards that are protecting my door. Some part of my brain tells me that I should be worried, that someone might get in and see me like that, but I'm too high from the pain to mind. Then the wards are broken, the door opens, and an all too familiar voice, almost as sharp as my razor blade, sobers me up quickly. "Mr Potter!" Oh fuck.

That's my first fic. Please let me know what you think of the story, if my english is alright or if i made a lot of mistakes. Should I continue the story? Thanks in advance!


	2. Chapter 2

Oh fuck.

Not Snape. Oh please not Snape.

"Potter?" He says again, and I must be really drugged, because I think I hear some concern in his voice. Which is impossible.

He moves then. A few quick steps and he's at my side. I can hear him kneel down next to me and then a hand is put on my shoulder and he carefully shakes me.

"Potter? Potter can you hear me?"

Now he's really sounding worried and I think he deserves some response. A small "Hm?" is all I can manage though. He carefully rolls me onto my back pulling me up a bit, supporting my back with his left arm.

"Open your eyes boy."

I do so and my eyes slowly meet his black orbs. He actually does look concerned. Not something I expected .

"What in Merlin's name happened to..." That's when he notices the broken mirror. His eyes skip from the mirror to my hands and back to the mirror. The concern is now replaced with anger

"You foolish boy" he hisses. "What where you thinking?"

It's so embarrassing that he sees me like that, so week, so vulnerable. I push my self up and away from him, trying to get to my bed, but at the very first step my knees start to buckle and I'm falling, but suddenly there's a pair of arms around my waist pressing me back against him, supporting me. It's the most physical contact I had since my godfather's death and it feels good. Even though it's the greasy old git who's holding me. I wanna lean back against him put my hands over his and just rest for a moment and forget everything.

And because it would be so easy to do just that, I push myself away from him with all my strength and stumble across the room. In a moment flat his arms are around me again.

"And just where do you think you're going, Potter?"

"Let go, I'm tired, I wanna go to bed"

Truth is, I feel like I'm about to faint. Now that the adrenaline starts to wear off my hands hurt like hell. I really have to fight the tears that are threatening to fall. I'm not gonna give him the pleasure though of seeing me break down completely.

I once again try to push him away from me but his grip just tightens and suddenly he lifts me up into his arms.

"Have you gone mad?!" I scream "Put me down right now!!"

He doesn't look impressed at all, so I start kicking, which only makes him hold me even tighter.

"Potter stop it this instant" he hisses. "I'm going to carry you to the bathroom. I need to clean your wounds".

I still keep struggling, but just a moment later we're in the small bathroom of my room and he carefully sits me down on the closed toilet.

"This is ridicules" I say. "Just let me go to bed. I'm fine. Just leave me alone."

And then I can't help the tears from falling. My hands hurt. Snape is here and he now knows how weak and pathetic I really am. And it felt good to be pressed against him, if only for a tiny moment. Gods how I hate myself. I feel so…needy. I just wanna press my head against his chest and bawl my eyes out. Maybe I should just do that. He certainly would leave my room then. After he killed me, of course.

Right now though, he's summoning a small chair which he places in front of me. He's sitting down, holding his hand out.

"Give me your right hand, Potter" he says, his voice completely bored.

I just pull my hands against my chest turning my head away from him

"Potter" he barks and I flinch, some more tears spilling. I hear him sigh, and then in an almost gentle voice he says " Come on boy, give me your hand, I need to get the glass out and heal the wounds. Or do you want to go to the hospital wing?"

My head snaps back to meet his gaze and I'm frightened. Both from the gentleness in his voice (I mean come on SNAPE and GENTLE?) and the threat of bringing me to the hospital wing.

His face is completely expressionless. "No…not the hospital wing, please!!" I stutter.

He once again holds out his hand "Then give me your hand!" he says.

As slowly as possible I put my right hand, palm up in his outstretched hand and I can't suppress the small shudder that ripples through me at the contact of our hands.

Skin contact. It's something so ordinary for other people, but I've been avoiding it ever since my godfather's death. I hurts so much to know that he will never touch me again, never hug me, never place a kiss on my hair, that I don't want any one else to ever touch me again. If it hurts so much to loose something like that then I don't want to have it at all. And yet my hand in Snape's hand feels good. It almost feels like the warmth the blade is creating.

Snape is summoning a bowl and a cloth now and then he starts cleaning the wounds Which hurts. A lot. I just wanna scream in pain. I can hear my harsh intakes of breath and everything gets a bit blurry.

Suddenly there's a pair of hands on my face, forcing my head up until I stare into the black eyes of my professor. He's so close that I can feel his warm breath on my face when he says "Potter calm down, you're hyperventilating. I know it hurts but we're almost done. Take a deep breath. Come on boy. Yes that's it. In, out, in out."

His instructions help me to calm down slowly and he finishes cleaning me up.

"I'm gonna heal the cuts now " he says. He pulls out his wand mutters a spell and then there's a green light leaving the tip of his wand. The light runs over my hands and then the wounds are slowly closing. The pain finally stops and I let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank you sir" I whisper.

He looks very uncomfortable. Reaching inside his robes he retrieves a tissue and hands it to me. "Clean your face" he barks, all gentleness gone from his voice.

I do so and now with the pain gone I feel so very tired. "I really wanna go to bed, sir" I say.

"I don't think so Mr Potter. You've got a lot of explaining to do. But before that, roll up your sleeves and let me check your arms"

No. No way.

And I tell him so "No"

"What do you mean 'no'? Roll up you're sleeves, Potter. Stop being difficult. I've got better things to do than fussing over you"

I just put my my hands against my chest in a protective gesture. I can't let him see the cuts there. And the scars "No, Sir…I…please…"

"Potter I've had enough of this. I need to see if your arms got injured too by your little outburst at the mirror" he says in a nasty voice. He grasps my left arm, forcing it away from my chest and then yanks up my sleeve.

* * *

Yeah, I updated the story. Unbelievable, right? I really thought about not continuing the story. I never thought that it could be THAT difficult to write fanfiction. Which only makes me appreciate the amazing story's of my favourite author's even more.

I still have some big problems with the language which can be so frustrating.

One of the biggest problems is, do you say:

He's summoning a bowl or he summons a bowl

He starts cleaning the wounds or he starts to clean the wounds ??

I really have no idea, so I just use whatever sounds right but I'm usually changing it a million times sigh

I decided to write another chapter since there are still some people who put "Shattered" to their story alert. Thanks to everyone who left a review, you have no idea how happy you made me hugs and kisses

Once again, please tell me what you liked or didn't like about this chapter. I'm not sure if I'm happy about it…but then I wasn't that happy about the first chapter either. lol


	3. Chapter 3

Thankfully my brain was setting in the last bit of strength I  
managed to put a glamour charm on my arms .It's really tricky and wandless  
magic is something I'm certainly no expert in.

It works just fine and now all that Snape can see is my pale forearm. He carefully makes some motions with my hand and arm to check for any damage. And when he's done checking both arms he suddenly examines me with a piercing gaze.

"It appears that your arms are fine Potter. What was all the drama  
about?"he asks with a nasty tone.

"I told you everything was just fine, sir,"I spit back.

"Watch your mouth, boy," He says, his eyes narrowing dangerously.

He vanishes the bowl and the chair before turning his attention back to me.

"I want an explanation for your behavior now…" he starts. I'm not  
really paying attention.  
The glamour seems to have taken my last bit of energy and I just want to fall  
asleep and forget this embarrassing evening.

"Potter I'm talking to you! Would you kindly pay attention to what I'm  
saying or is that too much to ask from the Golden Boy?!"  
Snape's voice interrupts my thoughts but I'm way too tired to get angry  
about his insults.

Why bother? Snape's always been an ** and that's something that just  
won't change.  
I try not to pay attention to the voice in the back of my head which reminds  
me of how gentle he was just a few minutes ago.

"Potter! Get a grip and pay attention! 20 points from Gryffindor for your  
unacceptable behavior!" Snape's eyes sparkle viciously at me.

"I'm sorry, Sir. What were you saying?" My eyes are falling shut and I  
know I can't fight sleep much longer. If only Snape would just leave me  
alone.

An angry snort is all I get in response.

"Fine, Potter," he says after a moment.  
"Have it your way then. You're tired? Want to go to bed? Well, who am I  
to keep the Golden Boy from his beauty sleep? Go ahead and do so."

My head snaps up at this. What's going on? Snape would never let me off  
the  
hook this easily. And I'm right. There's an evil gleam in his eyes and a  
nasty smile on this face.

"Well what are you waiting for boy? Get some rest. The fight against the  
mirror must have been draining. Tough enemy, that mirror, isn't it?"

"Bastard," I mutter under my breath.

"What was that?!"

"Nothing, Sir." Unbelievable how easily that man can change in a matter  
of minutes. But I prefer this vicious Snape to the Snape from a few moments  
ago. At least I know what to expect.

"I'll go to bed then, Sir?" I ask carefully, still not believing that  
he would  
let me get away with so few insults.

"Of course, Potter," he says, a fake friendly smile on his lips.

"Meanwhile I will inform the Headmaster about this evening's events.  
Then  
he can take care of you and I don't need to bother with you anymore."

"No," escapes my lips.

"No sir you can't do that!"

He raises one eyebrow. "Oh, I can't? Well if you prefer I'd tell  
Professor McGonagall instead…"

"No Sir, please! I'll do whatever you want, just please, please don't  
tell anyone."

I try to get up then and make a step in his direction put it seems like my  
body has just had enough. My legs give out under me. But my face doesn't  
hit the  
floor; instead it's pressed against a strong chest. I notice the smell of  
herbs and suddenly feel safe again; Safe in the arms of the man who gets off by  
hurting and humiliating me.

Oh you've really sunk low, Harry.

I'm trying to get out of Snape's grasp but his hold on me simply  
tightens.  
Suddenly he pulls me up without another word and carries me back to my  
bedroom.  
I'm too tired to protest anymore so I just let it happen.

Snape puts me down on the bed and I know I should die from the humiliation  
when  
he pulls the blanket over me but I just can't bring myself to care  
anymore,  
so all I do is roll away from him.

I hear a muttered "Reparo" and "Scourgify" and then the mirror is  
whole and the floors clean from my blood.

"I will go and speak to the Headmaster now," Snape informs me. His voice  
sounds tired.

"Please Sir. Please don't," I try again.

"There's no way around that. Merlin knows what would have happened if I  
wouldn't have found you in time. It's my duty to inform the Headmaster.  
You know as well as I do that you won't be punished for what happened  
tonight, so what are you scared about?"

Bloody bastard. Like he doesn't know how embarrassed I am about  
the…incident... and how exposed I feel. And god knows what Dumbledore will  
do, if he finds out. He already has a watchful eye on me. He'll probably  
send me to St. Mungos. And that means no more cutting.  
Oh that's so not going to happen.

No one will take away my blade from me.

"I don't want Professor Dumbledore to be even more worried about me then  
he already is and…I don't want him to be disappointed in me."

There;almost the truth.

"Why would he be disappointed?"

"Because if you tell him…then he'll know how weak I am,"I practically  
spit the last words out.

"I hardly believe that he'll be disappointed with his Golden Boy. As for  
worried…well, there's enough reason for that, wouldn't you agree,  
Potter?" he asks with a sneer.

"I'm fine, Sir! If everyone would just leave me the ** alone I'd be  
bloody fantastic."

"Of course, Potter. You're fine. There's nothing wrong. And because  
everything's so wonderful that's why you broke the mirror and spent part of the evening bleeding onto the floor.

"Go to hell, Sir."

He goes to the door then and leaves the room. After dropping 40 more points  
from Gryffindor of course.

* * *

Thanks to everyone who left a review. You guys rock!

Big thanks to geckogirl for betaing the chapter!

Once again please read & review! And a happy new year to everyone!


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